You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
