Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
