I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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