So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
