Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
