im six kinds of drunk right now
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize