i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
