Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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