my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize