Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
