All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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