when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
