i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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