I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize