he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
