Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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