just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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