I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
