he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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