You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
