OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
