Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
