Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
