I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
