I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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