I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
