letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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