Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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