she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
