I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
