Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
this beer tastes like vomit already
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
