just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Send help, water and tortillas.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
