your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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