i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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