I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
