my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
