watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
