I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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