"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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