I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
