I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
