Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
