I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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