i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
