Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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