The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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