You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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