This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
