dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
