i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
