I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
