Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
