i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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