i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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