Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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