Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize