Your face is a jimmy john
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
