and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
