I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
