John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize