This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
