i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
